Traits that attract me

Recently I met someone that reminded me of my first boyfriend. It was just the fact that he attempted to play melodica. Then I thought about why that was attractive to me and why some other guys I dated in the past just haven’t got it. I have always felt looks are important to me – and obviously I know for the long run personality matters much more.

I then reached to a simple conclusion – they know something I don’t and are willing to get better at it. That’s it. It’s that simple. You don’t need to know everything in the world and brag about it, you only need to have the willingness to get better. And that’s hot.


Shorts – immunity

It’s kinda strange to hear about love stories when I’m not myself in love with anyone at the moment. It’s not like I have never been in love or I have never felt very compelled to a person before. It’s just the fact that I haven’t had such feelings for a long enough time that I no longer know how it feels to be in it.

Swearing off fast food

You know it’s bad for your health, but it’s tasty, and you get your food* quick. So even if it’s potentially giving you all kinds of illnesses, you just aren’t able to resist the temptation. You swear you won’t have it again yet day after day you still go back for that late night snack, that quick lunch at Maccas.

You’ve had a long day, you think deserve a little break. Self-control doesn’t come easy for everyone. It’s problematic when this little escape from real life becomes the norm. You then always go for the easy, quick access to instant pleasure, leaving the nutritious meals behind.

*You know it’s not food I’m talking about.

Thunders and lightning storms but we are living in the now

“Fuck what other people think!” on the taxi to a rave party with two old friends and two new encounters, we were chatting about hostel room sex.

There’s very little shame from me sharing my experiences with the new acquaintances. After all, what’s there to be ashamed of? I didn’t murder someone. My girl friend explained the reason she hadn’t done it before – she wouldn’t be able to express herself fully because she’d have to lower her voice. Irish man here didn’t make an effort to suppress his enthusiasm, “who cares about the others? You probably would never see them ever again!” #yolo has never been so used to accurately until now. I nodded as I felt this is the definition of living in the moment. When you’re on the road you meet many wonderful people. The key is to go with what your gut tells you, because when you take too long to consider, they’re probably already a country away.

A handful of people are already partying at the Dome when we arrived at midnight. I jokingly told my friend it was time for us to ditch the new encounters as there were plenty of good looking dudes at the scene.

After a whole day of work and hours of dancing I was exhausted so I took a spot at the lawn and try to rest while techno music was blasting in the background. Irish man who’s on a visa run is studying Chinese in Beijing. We started chatting in Mandarin. One thing led to another we ended up making out on the lawn and later having sex on the rocks by the sea. It was all natural. Meeting, chatting, having intercourse. Just that some people take months to do it we took hours. It was a known fact he was only in town for two days, and he made it clear we would probably never see each other again. However that never stopped either of us making plans to meet up to explore the city.

It was living in the now, enjoying the sea view even though we could see the thunderstorms approaching.

The non-existing line between right and wrong 

There isn’t a playbook.

There isn’t a certain right or wrong but there’s what feels right or not. What feels right can sometimes be wrong, vice or versa. We don’t find out until we are in it, or better yet, we never find out. 

So, then, what? What exactly are we meant to do, even though we can never be sure what we do is on the right track? Do we stop and doubt ourselves, or stick to the gut feeling that we had from the beginning? There’s no right answer. 

A lot of things feel wrong and yet that doesn’t seem to stop us from doing them. So what difference does it make if they feel right anyway? 

Shorts: Distractions 

For a long time I thought the reason I didn’t want to be in a serious romantic relationship was because I emotionally wasn’t ready. I thought I was still caught up in previous relationships that my baggage would be too heavy for me to move on. 

When I realised there was nothing romantic remained with my ex’es, I became confused as to why I wasn’t relationship-able. Was it because no one that I met was worthy of a shot? Was it because I wasn’t worthy of a shot? But I’m completely ready to give and share my life with someone. What’s the matter? 

Today I finally have it figured out. 

While emotionally I’m fine, the rest of my life is upside-down. I haven’t decided on a career or a place to live. I’m always on the lookout of moving somewhere else. I’m here and there and everywhere. I had forgotten the reason why I didn’t want to have a serious relationship was because I didn’t want to distract myself from my dreams and life goals. 

As much as I’d like to deny it, it was what exactly happened. I’ve led myself away from my goals, forgotten and buried. 

Shorts: Puppets

Suddenly I felt it. I think it’s the feeling of being in control of your life and your feelings that make you feel alive. 

For the longest time I felt I was merely going with the flow, and letting everything or everyone else to decide for me. Be it my emotions or feelings, be it my future. I let society tell me I’m not good enough. I let the jobs I didn’t get tell me I’m not capable of doing it. I let guys who don’t call me back tell me I’m not worthy enough for them. None of it is true. I let people control my feelings. 

At the end of the day though, it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it that matters. We don’t live to be other people’s puppets. We have to stop searching for the key to happiness elsewhere, because it’s in our hands the whole time. 

There’s no shortcut

I close my eyes and flashbacks of everything that happened in the past six months appear. Things happened so quickly I could hardly keep up. 

How did I, from being so content by myself, suddenly transition into being lost without having someone to share a weekend with? Was I slowly becoming that girl I’d hate to be, possessive and clingy? 

Through independent living and travelling I have learnt to be confidence about myself – not to rely on other people’s judgements, but to really know how I truly am. I have also learnt to trust and have faith in things and people I find important. Knowing the importance of giving space was another thing I’ve learnt. Yet for some reason in the past six months I have almost behaved in every way I’d learnt not to behave in. I’m disappointed that I seem to be back in square one. 

I learnt that courage makes what seems impossible possible. But I see less courage from myself. I talk and act too cautiously. I’m careful with my words. I’m afraid that the truth would scare people away. Slowly I completely hid my true self with an image that is more socially acceptable. What you see is all an illusion. And I can barely recognise myself. 

There’s no shortcut to get to where we want to be. Trials and errors have always been the way to go about things. But most of us fight it and wish it could be easy. It’s never easy. 

The perfect recipe

Please excuse the cliché but for me it was always about the quality over the quantity. 

It’s not about the size of bouquet, but the freshness and type of flowers. It’s not about the price of a meal, but the fit between one’s choice and preference. It’s not about the amount of texts you get each day, but the content of the texts… I think you get the idea. 

 Anything more than a moderate amount can be an annoyance. A golden mean is as difficult to reach as it sounds. And it holds true for everything in general. 

It’s inevitable that in a romantic relationship we want to be connected with our significant other as often as possible. Yet the more time you spend together in a short period of time, the quicker it is to perceive boredom and, more importantly, the lack of mystery of each other. It’s an interesting one, mystery. You want to know everything about them but you really shouldn’t. Once the mystery is gone you have one less driving force. It’s like finally figuring out the meaning of life. What’s else is there to be explored? 

I strongly believe in the power that a deep connection brings. It goes beyond what’s been said or done. It’s an inner faith. It’s a sense. It has no scientific grounds. It’s because of its groundlessness that it seems non-existent. Yet it seems to be an unlimited source of fuel that keeps things running. 

A completely perfect recipe is non-existent. An ideal recipe to me incorporates many things. Mutual understanding, open-mindedness (open communication included), patience, trust, just to name a few. Yet the most important ingredient is unconditional love. It’s not something we can explain. It’s probably one of the hardest things to comprehend. It’s the start of everything.*

*I’ve already apologised for the use of cliché in the beginning of the entry

Like a dream

Every decision comes with a cost. When you’re making a decision you’re limiting your freedom to act upon the opposite.

I was fine when I was alone. Or so I thought.

There’s always something that frightens me when I go to an event where I don’t know anyone, or when I meet someone new. But I do it anyway, with or without fear. For some, fear is what keeps us going. There’s some kind of excitement that associates with it that I enjoy.

It was a time when I was content with my own being, my single life, and my inner self. It felt like I’d reached equilibrium. I found peace within myself. I wasn’t actively looking for anything but instead I was taking life as it came. I never meant for anything to happen. I let things progress naturally.

Adam was a dream. At least that was how I felt of him when I saw his profile. Except no one is really a dream. It was mostly my own judgement and imagination after only seeing 4 photos of him. It wasn’t long before we exchanged numbers. Maybe because I’m cynical, I usually don’t get too serious in the initial talks. I hold a “yeah, right. Let’s see” attitude. I was expecting it to be just another “no strings attached” arrangement.

We went on a remote island for our first date. We spent the whole time talking, enjoying the hike, and getting to know each other. I recall it being a beautiful day. Two more dates later he’d invited me back to his. Subsequently we spent every weekend together. Things just progressed naturally. We had a lot of fun. We weren’t officially in a relationship but it surely felt like one.

Until reality caught up with me. I decided it was too good to be true. And I blame my cynicism for it. It was too good to be true that such a perfect man would be interested in me, and that he wasn’t interested in other girls. It just didn’t make sense. From past experience, they were always with someone else. Except not everyone behaves in the same way. I saw things in one way, yet my experiences led me to see things in another way. There were a lot of doubts, uncertainties, second-guesses……eventually we called it off. I was heart broken. I hadn’t properly liked and got along with someone so much in a long time. And in the four months time we spent together I’d grown to be attached to him. Yet it seemed as though it just vanished in front of my eyes without me noticing.

The next morning I woke up feeling it was just a bad dream. I wish it was just a bad dream. But it wasn’t. I didn’t cope very well. I slept through day and night, trying to escape dealing with the emotions. I quickly convinced myself that it was the right decision, as I felt nothing could’ve been done to change the situation.

I was blessed to have a lot of support from my close friends. It almost felt like I had no reason to be upset seeing as I got so much love from them. One of them helped me break down the whole situation, and gave an example about his past experiences. He mentioned when one person in a couple is doubtful about the relationship, perhaps they’re scared, the other person must be brave and make a decision for both of them. Maybe a little push is all that they need to carry on.

The following day I decided that it wasn’t the end. At least not until I gave my very best to prove what we had was worth fighting for. I was in no state to be the “strong” one, but my will was strong. I believe that people should fight for what they want. So I messaged Adam. I’d previously told him not to contact me again, as it would be easier for the both of us to move on. However I wanted to explain where the doubts came about initially. I wanted no secrets. And I had nothing more to lose. To my surprise he also wanted to meet and talk. So we did. Never had I ever felt more adult than having serious relationship talks face to face with the person of interest. Usually I just ghost on them or get ghosted on. The difference now was probably the fact that we cared. We cared about each other, and what we had between us. It was a lot more than attraction. There were solid barriers between us that we had to break, too.

We ended up talking from sunset till dark. Though not a decision was made, the talk itself was very honest and positive. It was very clear from me that I wanted to give things a go again. He wanted to give some time to think about it before arriving at an informed decision. Very adult-like, I’d say. The following weeks we met up for movies and dinners, slowly going back to the routine we had. The problems are still problems when we don’t actively work through them. I need to let past experiences affect me less. We need to work on effective communication. We need to remember what brought us back second time around. No one knows what the future holds, but I’m hopeful about this one.