Every decision comes with a cost. When you’re making a decision you’re limiting your freedom to act upon the opposite.
I was fine when I was alone. Or so I thought.
There’s always something that frightens me when I go to an event where I don’t know anyone, or when I meet someone new. But I do it anyway, with or without fear. For some, fear is what keeps us going. There’s some kind of excitement that associates with it that I enjoy.
It was a time when I was content with my own being, my single life, and my inner self. It felt like I’d reached equilibrium. I found peace within myself. I wasn’t actively looking for anything but instead I was taking life as it came. I never meant for anything to happen. I let things progress naturally.
Adam was a dream. At least that was how I felt of him when I saw his profile. Except no one is really a dream. It was mostly my own judgement and imagination after only seeing 4 photos of him. It wasn’t long before we exchanged numbers. Maybe because I’m cynical, I usually don’t get too serious in the initial talks. I hold a “yeah, right. Let’s see” attitude. I was expecting it to be just another “no strings attached” arrangement.
We went on a remote island for our first date. We spent the whole time talking, enjoying the hike, and getting to know each other. I recall it being a beautiful day. Two more dates later he’d invited me back to his. Subsequently we spent every weekend together. Things just progressed naturally. We had a lot of fun. We weren’t officially in a relationship but it surely felt like one.
Until reality caught up with me. I decided it was too good to be true. And I blame my cynicism for it. It was too good to be true that such a perfect man would be interested in me, and that he wasn’t interested in other girls. It just didn’t make sense. From past experience, they were always with someone else. Except not everyone behaves in the same way. I saw things in one way, yet my experiences led me to see things in another way. There were a lot of doubts, uncertainties, second-guesses……eventually we called it off. I was heart broken. I hadn’t properly liked and got along with someone so much in a long time. And in the four months time we spent together I’d grown to be attached to him. Yet it seemed as though it just vanished in front of my eyes without me noticing.
The next morning I woke up feeling it was just a bad dream. I wish it was just a bad dream. But it wasn’t. I didn’t cope very well. I slept through day and night, trying to escape dealing with the emotions. I quickly convinced myself that it was the right decision, as I felt nothing could’ve been done to change the situation.
I was blessed to have a lot of support from my close friends. It almost felt like I had no reason to be upset seeing as I got so much love from them. One of them helped me break down the whole situation, and gave an example about his past experiences. He mentioned when one person in a couple is doubtful about the relationship, perhaps they’re scared, the other person must be brave and make a decision for both of them. Maybe a little push is all that they need to carry on.
The following day I decided that it wasn’t the end. At least not until I gave my very best to prove what we had was worth fighting for. I was in no state to be the “strong” one, but my will was strong. I believe that people should fight for what they want. So I messaged Adam. I’d previously told him not to contact me again, as it would be easier for the both of us to move on. However I wanted to explain where the doubts came about initially. I wanted no secrets. And I had nothing more to lose. To my surprise he also wanted to meet and talk. So we did. Never had I ever felt more adult than having serious relationship talks face to face with the person of interest. Usually I just ghost on them or get ghosted on. The difference now was probably the fact that we cared. We cared about each other, and what we had between us. It was a lot more than attraction. There were solid barriers between us that we had to break, too.
We ended up talking from sunset till dark. Though not a decision was made, the talk itself was very honest and positive. It was very clear from me that I wanted to give things a go again. He wanted to give some time to think about it before arriving at an informed decision. Very adult-like, I’d say. The following weeks we met up for movies and dinners, slowly going back to the routine we had. The problems are still problems when we don’t actively work through them. I need to let past experiences affect me less. We need to work on effective communication. We need to remember what brought us back second time around. No one knows what the future holds, but I’m hopeful about this one.