Death of an old love v.2

After having experienced Death of an old love I was pretty set on the idea that I must a) live in the moment and b) when the second time comes around (when you meet an old lover who you never really ended things) it never feels the same.

I remember being pretty smitten when I first met Andy two years ago (read: Los Andes). It’s simply a feeling that I recall having yet I can no longer feel it. It was probably something about his positivity that made it easier to be drawn to him, or simply because he had these most charming eyes.

Andy came back to town 4 months after we’d met. During that time I was in a semi-serious exclusive relationship with Adam. I only had eyes for him and not anyone else. So when I met up with Andy to catch up, I felt as though I was meeting an old friend for lunch. I assumed it was the same for Andy and that we were being realistic and a (non-sexual) friendship would be the right type of relationship we should have. I kept my distance and so did he. I felt great about having a friendship with him. I felt my tendency befriending everyone was something I was good at.

Boy was I wrong.

Fast forward to this year, two years later, through social media I found out Andy had recently become a father. As a friend I messaged to congratulated him in the most genuinely way possible. He thanked me however the next thing I knew I was being blocked. Perhaps he wanted more privacy for his family which I could totally understand. So I left it thinking it was fine and thought I’d never hear back from him.

I was wrong again.

One morning I woke up to a text from Andy saying he’d be in town again and would like to meet. On my end it was a friendship and although he might’ve betrayed the friendship by blocking me on social media, it wouldn’t hurt to meet. So we met for dinner. He was so deep in the friendzone that he could probably never come out from it, and I behaved true to what my inner self felt. It was awkward at times as he was avoiding some topics but I wasn’t going to push it. I understand there are certain difficulties in parenthood that couldn’t be explained to someone who isn’t a parent yet. Finally we said goodbye and parted ways.

Later that night he texted me to see if I got home. He then went on and briefly said how he wished we could have had another chance to be intimate again. I tried hard to understand how this came about. It could simply be a) he was horny, b) he was horny, or c) he was horny. I think it was c). But what I didn’t understand was how he didn’t see saying it to me was a bad idea. I’m not the kind who holds a grudge when people act stupid while horny, yet his eyes suddenly seemed so much less attractive.

**I know you could be reading. I’m sorry I answered with a non-answer.


Morning thoughts

It didn’t take long for singleton to get on my nerves. We say we shouldn’t compare, but when people are getting married, having kids, and you’re still struggling with the current Fkboi. You do take a moment and think, what’s going on? Am I not datable?

I had to get confirmation from different people to reassure myself it wasn’t me.

The Fkboi concept itself is a struggle for me. It has been but I went with it because “it’s the best I could find”. Yet I never really thought through why it is a struggle for me until now.

I was once told by a 50-year-old single father that “sex is to know each other”. Although at the time I couldn’t grasp what exactly he was trying to say, the sex that he talked about was very different to the sex I was used to.

Most sex I had was about getting off. But when it’s all about getting off which is a job that can be done with a sex toy or your hand, why do we need human connection to do so? I then decided if it was only about getting off then it’s probably not a good idea to do it. I wasn’t going to fill the void only to fill the void. There must be more to sex than jizz.

Traits that attract me

Recently I met someone that reminded me of my first boyfriend. It was just the fact that he attempted to play melodica. Then I thought about why that was attractive to me and why some other guys I dated in the past just haven’t got it. I have always felt looks are important to me – and obviously I know for the long run personality matters much more.

I then reached to a simple conclusion – they know something I don’t and are willing to get better at it. That’s it. It’s that simple. You don’t need to know everything in the world and brag about it, you only need to have the willingness to get better. And that’s hot.

Swearing off fast food

You know it’s bad for your health, but it’s tasty, and you get your food* quick. So even if it’s potentially giving you all kinds of illnesses, you just aren’t able to resist the temptation. You swear you won’t have it again yet day after day you still go back for that late night snack, that quick lunch at Maccas.

You’ve had a long day, you think deserve a little break. Self-control doesn’t come easy for everyone. It’s problematic when this little escape from real life becomes the norm. You then always go for the easy, quick access to instant pleasure, leaving the nutritious meals behind.

*You know it’s not food I’m talking about.

Thunders and lightning storms but we are living in the now

“Fuck what other people think!” on the taxi to a rave party with two old friends and two new encounters, we were chatting about hostel room sex.

There’s very little shame from me sharing my experiences with the new acquaintances. After all, what’s there to be ashamed of? I didn’t murder someone. My girl friend explained the reason she hadn’t done it before – she wouldn’t be able to express herself fully because she’d have to lower her voice. Irish man here didn’t make an effort to suppress his enthusiasm, “who cares about the others? You probably would never see them ever again!” #yolo has never been so used to accurately until now. I nodded as I felt this is the definition of living in the moment. When you’re on the road you meet many wonderful people. The key is to go with what your gut tells you, because when you take too long to consider, they’re probably already a country away.

A handful of people are already partying at the Dome when we arrived at midnight. I jokingly told my friend it was time for us to ditch the new encounters as there were plenty of good looking dudes at the scene.

After a whole day of work and hours of dancing I was exhausted so I took a spot at the lawn and try to rest while techno music was blasting in the background. Irish man who’s on a visa run is studying Chinese in Beijing. We started chatting in Mandarin. One thing led to another we ended up making out on the lawn and later having sex on the rocks by the sea. It was all natural. Meeting, chatting, having intercourse. Just that some people take months to do it we took hours. It was a known fact he was only in town for two days, and he made it clear we would probably never see each other again. However that never stopped either of us making plans to meet up to explore the city.

It was living in the now, enjoying the sea view even though we could see the thunderstorms approaching.

The non-existing line between right and wrong 

There isn’t a playbook.

There isn’t a certain right or wrong but there’s what feels right or not. What feels right can sometimes be wrong, vice or versa. We don’t find out until we are in it, or better yet, we never find out. 

So, then, what? What exactly are we meant to do, even though we can never be sure what we do is on the right track? Do we stop and doubt ourselves, or stick to the gut feeling that we had from the beginning? There’s no right answer. 

A lot of things feel wrong and yet that doesn’t seem to stop us from doing them. So what difference does it make if they feel right anyway? 

Shorts: Distractions 

For a long time I thought the reason I didn’t want to be in a serious romantic relationship was because I emotionally wasn’t ready. I thought I was still caught up in previous relationships that my baggage would be too heavy for me to move on. 

When I realised there was nothing romantic remained with my ex’es, I became confused as to why I wasn’t relationship-able. Was it because no one that I met was worthy of a shot? Was it because I wasn’t worthy of a shot? But I’m completely ready to give and share my life with someone. What’s the matter? 

Today I finally have it figured out. 

While emotionally I’m fine, the rest of my life is upside-down. I haven’t decided on a career or a place to live. I’m always on the lookout of moving somewhere else. I’m here and there and everywhere. I had forgotten the reason why I didn’t want to have a serious relationship was because I didn’t want to distract myself from my dreams and life goals. 

As much as I’d like to deny it, it was what exactly happened. I’ve led myself away from my goals, forgotten and buried. 

Shorts: Puppets

Suddenly I felt it. I think it’s the feeling of being in control of your life and your feelings that make you feel alive. 

For the longest time I felt I was merely going with the flow, and letting everything or everyone else to decide for me. Be it my emotions or feelings, be it my future. I let society tell me I’m not good enough. I let the jobs I didn’t get tell me I’m not capable of doing it. I let guys who don’t call me back tell me I’m not worthy enough for them. None of it is true. I let people control my feelings. 

At the end of the day though, it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it that matters. We don’t live to be other people’s puppets. We have to stop searching for the key to happiness elsewhere, because it’s in our hands the whole time. 

There’s no shortcut

I close my eyes and flashbacks of everything that happened in the past six months appear. Things happened so quickly I could hardly keep up. 

How did I, from being so content by myself, suddenly transition into being lost without having someone to share a weekend with? Was I slowly becoming that girl I’d hate to be, possessive and clingy? 

Through independent living and travelling I have learnt to be confidence about myself – not to rely on other people’s judgements, but to really know how I truly am. I have also learnt to trust and have faith in things and people I find important. Knowing the importance of giving space was another thing I’ve learnt. Yet for some reason in the past six months I have almost behaved in every way I’d learnt not to behave in. I’m disappointed that I seem to be back in square one. 

I learnt that courage makes what seems impossible possible. But I see less courage from myself. I talk and act too cautiously. I’m careful with my words. I’m afraid that the truth would scare people away. Slowly I completely hid my true self with an image that is more socially acceptable. What you see is all an illusion. And I can barely recognise myself. 

There’s no shortcut to get to where we want to be. Trials and errors have always been the way to go about things. But most of us fight it and wish it could be easy. It’s never easy.